Elle Louise Turns Four Months

elle louise, 4 months

Hey There Pretty Girl!

You are four months old now and happy as ever.  Today at your appointment you had the nurses laughing with your bright smile and funny facial expressions (you were VERY dramatic taking your oral vaccine) and the doctor stunned with your strong and active little body as you rolled and spun all over the table.  She warned me that it may be hard to keep you from crawling pretty soon.  I wouldn't be too surprised.  You are curious, attentive, strong and so excited about life.  I love going to get you after you wake up because you are always SO happy and excited to see me.  All I have to do is walk in and you grin from ear to ear and talk and stretch until I pick you up.  When you are all stretched out tall you measure 25.25" and you weigh 14lb 10oz.  You are in the 70-85th percentile for everything, keeping you nice and proportional.

You love to be held facing out so that you can see what's going on around you and are not too fond of sitting down unless you are in a position to constantly jump and stand.  People reach out to hold you without asking all of the time, always telling me that you were asking to come to them with your outstretched little arms and drooly smile.  You are one friendly little girl!

When left to yourself for entertainment you prefer to lay on your back on the ground and play with your binki strap.  An occasional toy to grab for is appreciated but it normally doesn't take long for you to revert back to rolling across the room holding your binki strap, pulling your dresses high over your head and blowing spit bubbles.  I hope we can reign in your excitement for flashing people when you get excited or your may end up with an interesting group of friends in high school.

Another laughable little trait that you just developed is panting like a dog.  You stick your tongue out of one side of your mouth and pant like you just ran a block on your little tiny legs.  I think you keep up this puppy routine because it makes Cannon and I laugh so hard.  You two will do anything to make each other laugh.  Cannon is constantly right in your face, squishing your little cheeks together yelling 'hi sister! hi sister! hi sisteeeerrrrr!'.  When you cry in the car (the only place you are reliably unhappy) Cannon tries to comfort you by telling you it's ok, that we're almost home... Then he yells at you to stop or he'll put you in time out.

Just recently Cannon has started to be more interested in what you are doing all of the time.  You like to play in the exersaucer where you can spin the little toys and jump all around, so he stands on its frame and talks to you as you bobble around.  You are taking about 30 ounces of formula a day and when Cannon is not busy with his own meal, he is asking to feed you yours.  When we grocery shop I put you in a little front pack (which you love) while Cannon sits in the cart so that he can talk face to face with you the whole time.  I am so happy to see the start of such a loving relationship between the two of you.  You share a nursery and every night after I put you down he asks to be carried from his crib over to look at you one more time before he goes to sleep.  He is already protecting you from other kids and making sure that someone is tending to you when you cry.

One of your many positive attributes is your crying.  You really only cry when there is a good reason and are easily calmed (none of this applies to car rides).  Most of the time when you are sad you stare at me through big crocodile tears in your eyes and loud screams with a smile still on your face.  Even your crying is happy.

I waited until you were 3.5 months to let you 'cry it out' at night.  Though you had been doing well with your sleeping, we went on a trip to Utah for a Murdock Family Reunion and it took over a month to recover our nights.  Even still, you just seemed so little and so sweet... letting such a good baby cry seemed like cruelty.  When I finally consented to letting you cry it took a good 7 minutes ONE time and you never woke up at night again.  Proof that you were really only waking up for a bottle to make me feel better.  Now that we are all sleeping better, life is so full!  We play all day going on walks, sun bathe at the beach, splash around in the water table in the backyard, take Cannon to the library, etc.  You are so fun and generally very accommodating of whatever we want to do...  Except eat.

It will be wonderful to be able to hand you your own bottle or set you in a high chair.  You have become keenly interested in anything that is set in front of you on the dining room table.  We have had many close calls with dishes being snagged and pulled almost to the floor as you try to get a closer glimpse of what all of the hassle is about.  When we try and put you in your swing so that we can eat with both hands you wail and wiggle until we let you join the family again.  You do NOT like to be left out.  We have also started strapping you in to your swing after you wiggled clear out of it last week and bonked your face on the hard wood floor.  My heart broke seeing your first real injury and now we are extra careful when we leave you places, always surrounding you with extra pillows when you are practicing sitting up or anything else wobbly. 


Elles, your sweet smile shines.  You are a joy of a child.  Thank you for bringing such a fullness to our lives.  Your daddy, Cannon and I love you so much.  You are a little angel baby.

Love You Forever,
Mommy

PS.  We just recently celebrated the life of your great grandmother, Bessie Westoby.  Luckily you got to meet her one time when we went to the family reunion in Utah.  She attended your blessing and you brought a smile to her face.  Your blessing was the last time she left the house other than for doctor's appointments.  She passed away on August 8.  She was a terrific lady that cared deeply for her family.

Dealing with a Modern Addiction

Drugs, Facebook, Downton Abbey... a person can be addicted to anything.  I am addicted to dieting.  Sure you can be told a million times that society feeds you crap on the 'shoulds' of what real women look like but the effects of these messages can creep into people's lives in very sneaky ways.  Keep in mind as you read this that I have pretty much always been in the 'normal' weight category.

When I was 11 I became a vegetarian.  My grandma was a vegetarian and lived a very vibrant and healthy life.  Every time I left her house I felt like I had been cleansed by all of the natural food she forced us all to eat and I wanted to feel like that all of the time.  My decision to become a vegetarian was made over night and I never faltered.  Though I had no clue as to how to eat properly without meat (read: several years of straight carbs) I felt better!  Shortly after this transformation I gave up chocolate, eating it only on my birthday each year.  I also started Weight Watchers for the first time (of 4).  Between the age of 11 and my current 27, I have participated in over 25 different diets or programs. Many of them more than once.

Taking a step back now I can see that at 11 years old (4th and 5th grade) I was 5'4" and weighed about 120lbs, maybe more.  I was bigger than most of my girl friends and virtually all of the surrounding prepubescent boys, making me incredibly self conscious.  Isn't Jr. High the best?!

Cutting out meat and chocolate made me feel like I had control and I saw a difference in the way I looked.  As the boys got taller, my height stayed put and I thinned out (due to incessant running and obsessively controlled eating).  People noticed and praised me on how good I was looking.  I also went through puberty, which both helped and hurt.  My diet during puberty was so nutritionally empty that I was not able to develop properly (personal opinion) and while I'm grateful to have a clean slate for a future boob-job, it would've been much cheaper just to eat some chicken and scratch the soy milk.

I started with Weight Watchers, making it a game to see if I could eat less than 10 points a day.  Atkins to prove that I could go high protein without eating meat.  HCG because more than 500 calories a day is for people without restraint. Total Health and Fitness because 'Hello!?  It's all about balance!'.  Low Carb.  High Fiber.  No Fat.  Only Greens.  Two a Day Workouts fueled by celery.  No Sweets.  Control Control CONTROL!  Sensing a pattern here??

It was after turning down an elegant meal made by my brother in law to commemorate the passing of his father that his wife pointed out a problem.  Of course I couldn't eat the meal because I was 'on a little plan' and what some call cheating, I saw as failure that I knew the scale would not forget.  She told me she had never been on a diet and was happy with herself.  I was confused.  Happy with herself?!  Not even Angelina Joalie is allowed to admit that she is happy with herself, let alone a normal sized, normal shaped young person.  No diet??  EVER??  REALITY CHECK #1.  My mind was blown.  I literally could not remember ever NOT being on a diet.  She asked me to stop.  To commit to figuring out how to live without the crutch of a 'plan'.  Again, confusion... 'does she mean I should just jump straight to my maintenance phase?'  **Note: I have never completed a maintenance phase without starting a new plan.**  In that moment I realized that I needed to stop.

But I didn't.

At the time my husband and I had been trying for about a year to get pregnant and I was beginning to loose hope that I would ever give birth.  I saw a specialist that basically told me to 'go eat a steak' before talking to him again.  I laughed at him and never went back.  Shortly after I had a remarkable (little too personal for blogging) experience that left me sure that I needed to add some protein back into my diet.  With a HUGE leap of faith, the addition of chicken to my diet, and the help of some modern day medicine, it took just one month for me to conceive. I was thrilled but a little disappointed because I had finally reached my goal weight for the... wait for it... FIRST TIME.  Don't be excited for me.  I dieted for 13 years STRAIGHT before actually reaching my 'goal weight' and when I got there, I changed it.  I only stopped this diet because my husband asked me to... because it was severely affecting my emotional well being, and therefore his sanity.  This request was REALITY CHECK #2. 

While pregnant I followed the diet outlined in What to Expect When You're Expecting.  My son came nine months later and then I was left to my own devices to figure out how to shed my extra pounds.   Despite my husband's request... more diets.  I got most of the weight off, then got pregnant again at a peak in my never-ending yo-yo.  I had Elle Louise four months ago and am currently on my way down again.  But something is different this time...  I have a girl now.

On a recent walk I passed by a woman around the age of 65 talking on her cell phone.  'Ya! I think it will be great!  The first three weeks are high protein, low carb, then a cleanse...'  Enter REALITY CHECK #3.  There are almost 40 years between this woman and I and we are both caught in the same trap.  What does she hope to gain from this new plan??  What have I ever gained from mine? Will I ever be... how did Savanna say it... happy with myself? AM I STILL GOING TO BE ON A DIET IN 40 YEARS!?

The answer is no.  I will not be on a diet in 40 years.

I won't say that I have washed myself clean and will never be tempted to go on another diet.  That is why there are 12 steps to AA right?  As the late Robin Williams said:
 “It’s (addiction) — not caused by anything, it’s just there,” he told ABC’s Diane Sawyer in 2011. “It waits. It lays in wait for the time when you think, ‘It’s fine now, I’m OK.’ Then, the next thing you know, it’s not OK. Then you realize, ‘Where am I? I didn’t realize I was in Cleveland.'” -Variety Magazine

While my addiction to dieting is not life threatening, it is real and I refuse to pass it on to my own daughter.  I want her to understand how to take care of her body, how to stay balanced, and just how beautiful she is.  I have recently been reading a book about balance and health being attained by merely 'paying attention'.  Rather than a diet, it is a mental training program designed to help readers get into good habits, enjoy eating and respect food.  I am currently on phase 3 of 4 and have never felt more in control, healthy, happy and GUILT FREE.  Instead of counting calories I have self-defined parameters like: sitting at the table to eat, paying attention to the textures and flavors in each bite, etc. (the book: French Women Don't Get Fat by Mireille Guiliano)

To someone that hasn't really talked with a dieter, this may sound silly.  I know first hand that it is not silly.  It is a gateway to eating disorders and is too scary to play with.  I am still a partial vegetarian and haven't had chocolate (except for my bday) in 14 years.  I am not ready to change those things.  Eventually I would like to let those crutches go.

One thing at a time.

If you are interested, here are a couple of articles about diet addiction:
Why Dieting Can Become Addictive
Are You Addicted to Dieting?
Are You Addicted to Food or Addicted to Dieting?

A Little Bit of Balance

These last few days I have been at parenthood without Michael as he attends the funeral of his sweet Grandma Bessie in Utah.  While I have missed seeing his handsome face every day I jokingly told him that the kids and I were on a 'Michael-cation'.  It's good for couples to have time apart sometimes.  To regroup.  And let absence work its magic ;-))  During this time I decided to step back and assess myself in hopes to try and make sense of some of the things I am doing routinely.  I took one whole night assessing my personal health: eating, exercise, mental health and formed a very simple plan to hopefully add some balance.  I took another night to look at my day to day routine with the kids and see what I could do to enhance our time together.  Another plan was formed.  Though I have only been paying heed to these regimens for three days now, I feel so much more balanced!  I have a daily routine to fall back on with the kids, with the idea that we can plan anything OVER the routine but if we don't, we always have something to do.  I also made one HUGE change in deciding that my work day is OVER at 7:30.  After 7:30 I will not be doing any house tending or home making.  I start putting the kids down at 7, do the dishes and pick up the house at 7:15 and am free to do whatever I want by 7:30.  This also means that nap time is not recreational.  It's Mommy chore time... unless I am crazy sleep deprived.  Then all bets are off. 

I am naturally a morning person so by the time my kids are in bed I am a walking zombie.  Doing chores during nap time doesn't phase me in the slightest if it means that I will have a whole night to myself to do whatever I want.  It also means that if the kids wake up before I'm done with my chores that I don't have to finish them after bed time... they can wait until tomorrow at nap time.  I cannot even tell you how wonderful this has been.  Leaving things half done normally KILLS me but knowing that I will have two hours of time to pick up where I left off the next day makes it so much easier to enjoy my kids without the pressure. 

We will see how things go once my one true love is back in town.  I think he will love this plan since he is normally trying with all of his might to get me to cool my jets after bed time.  I guess I just needed to make it work for me.  I love me some alone time.