Drugs, Facebook, Downton Abbey... a person can be addicted to anything. I am addicted to dieting. Sure you can be told a million times that society feeds you crap on the 'shoulds' of what real women look like but the effects of these messages can creep into people's lives in very sneaky ways. Keep in mind as you read this that I have pretty much always been in the 'normal' weight category.
When I was 11 I became a vegetarian. My grandma was a vegetarian and lived a very vibrant and healthy life. Every time I left her house I felt like I had been cleansed by all of the natural food she forced us all to eat and I wanted to feel like that all of the time. My decision to become a vegetarian was made over night and I never faltered. Though I had no clue as to how to eat properly without meat (read: several years of straight carbs) I felt better! Shortly after this transformation I gave up chocolate, eating it only on my birthday each year. I also started Weight Watchers for the first time (of 4). Between the age of 11 and my current 27, I have participated in over 25 different diets or programs. Many of them more than once.
Taking a step back now I can see that at 11 years old (4th and 5th grade) I was 5'4" and weighed about 120lbs, maybe more. I was bigger than most of my girl friends and virtually all of the surrounding prepubescent boys, making me incredibly self conscious. Isn't Jr. High the best?!
Cutting out meat and chocolate made me feel like I had control and I saw a difference in the way I looked. As the boys got taller, my height stayed put and I thinned out (due to incessant running and obsessively controlled eating). People noticed and praised me on how good I was looking. I also went through puberty, which both helped and hurt. My diet during puberty was so nutritionally empty that I was not able to develop properly (personal opinion) and while I'm grateful to have a clean slate for a future boob-job, it would've been much cheaper just to eat some chicken and scratch the soy milk.
I started with Weight Watchers, making it a game to see if I could eat less than 10 points a day. Atkins to prove that I could go high protein without eating meat. HCG because more than 500 calories a day is for people without restraint. Total Health and Fitness because 'Hello!? It's all about balance!'. Low Carb. High Fiber. No Fat. Only Greens. Two a Day Workouts fueled by celery. No Sweets. Control Control CONTROL! Sensing a pattern here??
It was after turning down an elegant meal made by my brother in law to commemorate the passing of his father that his wife pointed out a problem. Of course I couldn't eat the meal because I was 'on a little plan' and what some call cheating, I saw as failure that I knew the scale would not forget. She told me she had never been on a diet and was happy with herself. I was confused. Happy with herself?! Not even Angelina Joalie is allowed to admit that she is happy with herself, let alone a normal sized, normal shaped young person. No diet?? EVER?? REALITY CHECK #1. My mind was blown. I literally could not remember ever NOT being on a diet. She asked me to stop. To commit to figuring out how to live without the crutch of a 'plan'. Again, confusion... 'does she mean I should just jump straight to my maintenance phase?' **Note: I have never completed a maintenance phase without starting a new plan.** In that moment I realized that I needed to stop.
But I didn't.
At the time my husband and I had been trying for about a year to get pregnant and I was beginning to loose hope that I would ever give birth. I saw a specialist that basically told me to 'go eat a steak' before talking to him again. I laughed at him and never went back. Shortly after I had a remarkable (little too personal for blogging) experience that left me sure that I needed to add some protein back into my diet. With a HUGE leap of faith, the addition of chicken to my diet, and the help of some modern day medicine, it took just one month for me to conceive. I was thrilled but a little disappointed because I had finally reached my goal weight for the... wait for it... FIRST TIME. Don't be excited for me. I dieted for 13 years STRAIGHT before actually reaching my 'goal weight' and when I got there, I changed it. I only stopped this diet because my husband asked me to... because it was severely affecting my emotional well being, and therefore his sanity. This request was REALITY CHECK #2.
While pregnant I followed the diet outlined in What to Expect When You're Expecting. My son came nine months later and then I was left to my own devices to figure out how to shed my extra pounds. Despite my husband's request... more diets. I got most of the weight off, then got pregnant again at a peak in my never-ending yo-yo. I had Elle Louise four months ago and am currently on my way down again. But something is different this time... I have a girl now.
On a recent walk I passed by a woman around the age of 65 talking on her cell phone. 'Ya! I think it will be great! The first three weeks are high protein, low carb, then a cleanse...' Enter REALITY CHECK #3. There are almost 40 years between this woman and I and we are both caught in the same trap. What does she hope to gain from this new plan?? What have I ever gained from mine? Will I ever be... how did Savanna say it... happy with myself? AM I STILL GOING TO BE ON A DIET IN 40 YEARS!?
The answer is no. I will not be on a diet in 40 years.
I won't say that I have washed myself clean and will never be tempted to go on another diet. That is why there are 12 steps to AA right? As the late Robin Williams said:
“It’s (addiction) — not caused by anything, it’s just there,” he told ABC’s Diane Sawyer in 2011. “It waits. It lays in wait for the time when you think, ‘It’s fine now, I’m OK.’ Then, the next thing you know, it’s not OK. Then you realize, ‘Where am I? I didn’t realize I was in Cleveland.'” -Variety Magazine
While my addiction to dieting is not life threatening, it is real and I refuse to pass it on to my own daughter. I want her to understand how to take care of her body, how to stay balanced, and just how beautiful she is. I have recently been reading a book about balance and health being attained by merely 'paying attention'. Rather than a diet, it is a mental training program designed to help readers get into good habits, enjoy eating and respect food. I am currently on phase 3 of 4 and have never felt more in control, healthy, happy and GUILT FREE. Instead of counting calories I have self-defined parameters like: sitting at the table to eat, paying attention to the textures and flavors in each bite, etc. (the book: French Women Don't Get Fat by Mireille Guiliano)
To someone that hasn't really talked with a dieter, this may sound silly. I know first hand that it is not silly. It is a gateway to eating disorders and is too scary to play with. I am still a partial vegetarian and haven't had chocolate (except for my bday) in 14 years. I am not ready to change those things. Eventually I would like to let those crutches go.
One thing at a time.
If you are interested, here are a couple of articles about diet addiction:
Why Dieting Can Become Addictive
Are You Addicted to Dieting?
Are You Addicted to Food or Addicted to Dieting?
5 comments:
Brit, I want to thank you so much for writing all of this out. You are being honest and that is lacking in this online world. Brit, I don't know what I have said to you in the past that may have fueled any dieting, but I have always looked up to you and thought you were gorgeous! And geez, that planning part of your personality is awesome-- I have benefited from it a lot in my life (fun double dates, fun roommate plans, encouragement for making life goals... etc). I think it is so healthy for you to come to a point where you can realize things in your life that are not healthy (I have a lot to realize still, I think!). The last couple years in high school and beginning college I was really too aware of what I was eating, writing down calories and thinking about it WAY too much. When I took that Intuitive Eating class and read the book sophomore year in college, I felt SO free. Eating because pleasurable again because I wasn't thinking about it constantly. My weight has fluctuated quite a bit in college and now with babies and such, but my emotions aren't as tied to it. I am still learning what is best for my body and how to live in such a way I can FEEL my best. Thanks again for sharing! LOVE love you. I think you are wonderful!
So so SO well said. Beautifully put, Brit. I agree with so much of this. Everything you've said, is so much of how I feel! I'm a control freak as well... and learning to not excessively exercise and diet has always been hard for me. Always, always. The guilt is something that is a constant battle for me. Thanks for writing this. It made me feel so good! Love you! And keep it up! Maybe it will inspire me to tackle my own dieting demons!
I love that you shared this. It's so REAL. Thanks for that. I've loved you at every stage of your life and think you are BEAUTIFUL inside and out!!!
Hons, loved reading this. As your partner for the past wonderful 5 years I've seen first hand how strong, committed and beautiful you are. I think everyone who knows you know you are just gorgeous and that your wonderful personality just makes you an absolute knockout! I think you are one hot momma and I'm glad that you finally are feeling in control! Now it's time to fire up the grill and get ya some of my world famous steak! (ok, let's start with Salmon :)
I don't know how I didn't read this sooner. I am so amazed at your ability to write and be so honest and truthful in a way that makes me love you even more. And I already loved you a lot. I had no idea my words affected you. I'm so grateful you're my sister in law, and I think you're in my life to give me an example of a strong woman who sets goals. Goal setting is a struggle for me. I go day by day and while I think it makes me happier in te now, I need to plan a little so I'm happier later. I know my desire to be better is fueled by beautiful strong women like you. I love you Brit
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