Cannon is two and a half!

This was written just as he turned 2 1/2 but posted late... 

cannon michael, 2 1/2

My Cannon,

How do I capture this phase in words??  You have grown up SO much in the past six months it is truly unbelievable.  Your personality is vibrant and exciting.  Life through your eyes is fast paced and FULL!  I wish we could settle into 2.5 and all of its curiosity forever.

You are an incredibly organized little boy.  You love routine, order and precision, though you have also started to enjoy getting dirty and exploring a bit of spontaneity.  The basket of cars downstairs in the play room goes in and out of its shelf several times a day as you race them down ramps, through boxes, on Lego tracks, line them up, space them perfectly, organize them by color, you name it.  Similar routines are practiced with airplanes, choo choo trains and Legos.  You have started enjoying imaginative play and it is fun to listen to your stories of where your toys have been or where they are going.  Everyone's most common destination is the airport but sometimes we stop by the train station as well.  Your imagination has also transitioned one of your friends, Preston, into the beginnings of an imaginary friend.  You love to tell me all about Preston as he chases you, you tickle him, he goes upstairs, sits in the fireplace, etc.  Preston definitely keeps you on your toes.

The more you grow, the more I love you and I just can't get enough.  These past six months have been mind blowing.  You are full of energy; constantly running, jumping, throwing, and playing.  Your hand-eye coordination is getting pretty good and you love to hit a baseball off of your tee.  Every morning when Daddy leaves for work you ask him which sport he is going to play at work.  "Beeseball, Daddy?  Football?  Tickball?  Bastetball?"

If you could, you would spend every minute with your dad.  You two are buddies and when you're together there is never a shortage of creativity.  You build ramps, make car villages from boxes, and make tunnels out of everything.  Daddy loves coming home from work and trying to find where you are hiding (behind the basement door every time) so that he can get the giggles and huge hugs that you've been storing up for him all day.  After a little bit of play time and dinner, the two of you typically head downstairs to watch a show before bed.  You both love animated movies and I am more impressed all the time at how much you can remember from them.  

During these past six months one of the biggest changes I have seen in you is your ability to retain things.  Whether it is a word I wish I hadn't said or where to turn to get to a friend's house, you remember A LOT!  It has made it fun to pick you up from nursery at church because you love to tell me about all of the different toys you played with and songs you sang.  Your favorite songs are Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and Itsy Bitsy Spider.

Next week I am taking Elle to visit Auntie Mush in Washington DC while you and Daddy have a 'no pants weekend'!  He is so excited to help you start learning to use the potty.  I think you are ready and can't wait to see your cute little bum in underwear!! 

You, Cannon Michael, are stuck with me.  I love you more all the time.  Your stubborn nature sometimes has me running circles but then I remember where you got it and we laugh.  You are a happy boy and I try my best to help foster your good nature.

I love you so much my Can Can,

Mommy

Half a Year Down with the Baby Girl!!

elle, 6 months

My Sweet Elle,

You are six months old now and an absolute ray of sunshine.  I call you my little smile prodigy because it seems that you started smiling at 2 weeks and have never stopped.  You love to lock eyes with anyone that will pay attention and blow them happy slobbery bubbles with a contagious happiness.  When you are feeling particularly cute you turn your head to the side and arch over to look at people sideways, always holding the pose until mirrored, leaving you both laughing.  You are sitting up flawlessly now and have recently added a cute little bum bounce where you push yourself up onto your little toes until you are nearly falling forward, then land back down on your cute diapered rump, over and over.  Watching you bounce with your little arms up in the air could make anyone smile. 

When you're not bouncing on your bum you like to jump in your exersaucer or in my lap.  You jump so high and with such gumption that I am surprised that your rolly little legs aren't pure muscle.  You are a big girl, still in the 70th percentiles for height, weight and head circumference.  You weigh 16lbs and are 26 inches long.  When we were at the doctor's office for your 6-month check up you had all of the nurses and doctor smiling like crazy as you eyed them with that infectious grin.  It broke my heart when you laid down on the table and locked your big smiling eyes with mine.  You looked like you wanted to tell me about all of the wonderful things that had happened that day.  Then they gave you four shots and your beautiful smiles turned into the saddest cries I have ever heard.  As you kept your confused crying eyes locked on mine, I had to remind myself over and over that immunizations are something I believe in.  I almost couldn't take it.

Something amazing about you, Elle, is that you are optimistic.  You soothe easily.  You allow the world around you to be imperfect and appreciate improvement in discomfort, rather than demanding perfection.  If you are hungry you will take your binki as a substitute, trusting that I will do my best to get you fed shortly.  If Cannon needs help with something, you wait patiently, seeming to understand that we all have needs and need to take turns.  I feel like I understand you.  Like I could tell you my little secrets and we would laugh together.  You are adventurous and easy going.  You make everyone feel like they are your favorite person.  These positive qualities are obvious and deliberate.  I hope you continue to nurture them as you grow.  I will do my best to help you.

You have taken great strides forward in your diet, sleeping and car seat situations.  We tried to feed you solids just before turning six months old, when you climbed my arm like a monkey to steal a muffin I was eating.  You are not great with a spoon and don't really like the feeling of food in your mouth.  You spit everything out.  Time is of great value right now, having two babies home, so I decided to just feed you your baby food in your bottle (which you are starting to hold on your own).  I snipped the nipple to have a bit bigger of an opening and now you get everything you need as you drink your normal bottles.  We dump veggies in with your formula in the mornings, fruit in the afternoons, and cereal at night.  I will try to spoon feed you again in time but for now, this is a terrific method.  You were also waking up at night until recently because I liked giving you a nighttime bottle to help you sleep later.  The night feeding has stopped helping you sleep longer so we took it away and you hardly complained (just for one night).  Your sleeping habits have gotten more regular.  You wake up around 6am, nap from 8-10 (I wake you up at 10 [GASP!] so that you will be tired enough to nap at the same time as Cannon).  The both of you have lunch then take an afternoon nap 12-2, then go to bed at 7.  You have also kept your car seat complaining to a surprising minimum lately.  Though it is obviously not your favorite place to be, you will now consent to its captivity and enjoy Cannon's company as we drive along.

Cannon can make you laugh (and cry) harder than anything else.  He seems to understand your sense of humor and it is not unusual to catch the two of you face to face in laughing fits.  I love to watch your relationship develop.  Bells, thank you for being such a love.  You bring happiness to our home.

I love you forever,

Mama

PS.  We love to call you Elles, Elles Bells, Bells, and Sister.  When someone old or foreign asks your name I tell them your full name: Elle Louise.  One syllable names are confusing to old people and Elle means something bland in most other languages.  A battle you will fight your whole life is the Ellie battle.  You are not an Ellie.  It is a cute name, but it is not your name.  We steer very clear of Ellie.

Elles Turns 5 Months!

elle louise, 5 months

Tiny Little Elles Bells,

Oh my sweet girl!  You are catching onto life so fast!!  Your dazzling little smile and chortle has us laughing back at you all the time.  Cannon is the funniest thing around and you will laugh at pretty much anything he does.  He loves to make you happy so whenever he gets a good squeal out of you he will repeat his actions for as long as you'll pay attention.  You two are such good little friends!

Just this week in the bath Cannon was pretending to float away and would reach for your little hand, 'help sister!!'; you would grab his hand and he would let you 'pull' him to safety.  'Oh thank you sister!' and you would laugh.  This was repeated at least 20 times.  You two are water babies and love to take baths together and go swimming together.  We have had a lot of fun in the sun this summer at the lake, swimming pool and lots of backyard activities.  You love to be outside, so if you are ever grumpy we hit the pavement.  Unfortunately you haven't taken to the stroller yet and much prefer to ride in the Bjorn, strapped to me facing outward.  You will ride like this for HOURS without complaining, so ride you do!  I have you in there while I walk, do chores, socialize, everything.  As long as you are close to me and can look around at the world, you typically stay happy.  I just can't sit down.

You, on the other hand, have become quite the sitting expert.  You love to sit up with a slew of toys in your lap.  You will sit, blow bubbles and keep an eye on the room for a very long time if you have the right toys in front of you!  We still have to steady you when we first set you down and be sure to watch you for tumbles, but you are generally doing very well!

Your interest in people watching is just the tip of the iceberg in your desire to be social.  You DO NOT like to be left out of anything and will complain incessantly if we ever try.  As soon as we make you a part of the conversation you are happy as can be.  You are my little sidekick and we both love it.  When you're not strapped to me you love to be in your exersaucer jumping to your little heart's content.  You jump and jump and jump as you watch Cannon play in the toy room.  When you can get your little hands on them, you love your toy car with the oball on the top that you can wind your little fingers in, my pink watch, your binki strap, cannon's cars, or any sort of cloth.  You love to put different cloths in your mouth and chew/cover them with drool.  You will chew on your sleeves, blankets, my clothes, and most recently: the socks on your feet.  It is darling.  

You are chewing and drooling so much that you have half of your onlookers convinced that you are teething but I am pretty sure that isn't the case.  You are just drooley.  You would think that with all of this chewing combined with your love for your binki that taking a bottle would be a piece of cake! This last month Daddy described feeding you to be like 'feeding a carnival ride'.  Unless you are really hungry and tired, all of your little limbs go crazy!  Your arms and legs do jumping jacks, you try to push the nipple out with your tongue, you shake your head and arch your back.  It is quite the treat!  We have found that squeezing you into a little ball and walking around is the best solution… but even then you won't let Daddy feed you.  Right now you take 6oz when you wake up, 4oz before your morning nap, 8oz before your pm nap, 6oz at 4pm, and 8oz with rice cereal before bed.  It is a nice routine.  

You are waking up just before 6am most mornings.  Your first nap is typically 8:30-10:30, we play for two hours, then you go back down 12:30-2:30.  After your pm nap you stay awake until bed time at 7pm.  You tend to get really cranky about an hour before bed but that is to be expected with having been awake for so long at that point.  We have had quite the roller coaster this month with your night time sleeping habits.  Daddy thinks I have been too easy on you because every time you would wake up I would jump out of bed and tend to you.  We are going to start trying to sleep train you again tonight.  It is so hard for me to listen to you cry!  You are just so small and sweet and I know that all you want is love!  Hopefully we can try and fill our love quota during the day soon so that nighttime can be left to sleeping. I love to squeeze you and kiss your round little cheeks.  Daddy loves to tickle your neck with his beard.  Cannon likes to get right in your face to yell happy messages.  And you like to smile through your binki at us all doing our best to make you laugh.

Elles, I love you to pieces.  You are a true joy in our home.  Thank you for your happiness and sweet nature.

Always, 

Mama

Elle Louise Turns Four Months

elle louise, 4 months

Hey There Pretty Girl!

You are four months old now and happy as ever.  Today at your appointment you had the nurses laughing with your bright smile and funny facial expressions (you were VERY dramatic taking your oral vaccine) and the doctor stunned with your strong and active little body as you rolled and spun all over the table.  She warned me that it may be hard to keep you from crawling pretty soon.  I wouldn't be too surprised.  You are curious, attentive, strong and so excited about life.  I love going to get you after you wake up because you are always SO happy and excited to see me.  All I have to do is walk in and you grin from ear to ear and talk and stretch until I pick you up.  When you are all stretched out tall you measure 25.25" and you weigh 14lb 10oz.  You are in the 70-85th percentile for everything, keeping you nice and proportional.

You love to be held facing out so that you can see what's going on around you and are not too fond of sitting down unless you are in a position to constantly jump and stand.  People reach out to hold you without asking all of the time, always telling me that you were asking to come to them with your outstretched little arms and drooly smile.  You are one friendly little girl!

When left to yourself for entertainment you prefer to lay on your back on the ground and play with your binki strap.  An occasional toy to grab for is appreciated but it normally doesn't take long for you to revert back to rolling across the room holding your binki strap, pulling your dresses high over your head and blowing spit bubbles.  I hope we can reign in your excitement for flashing people when you get excited or your may end up with an interesting group of friends in high school.

Another laughable little trait that you just developed is panting like a dog.  You stick your tongue out of one side of your mouth and pant like you just ran a block on your little tiny legs.  I think you keep up this puppy routine because it makes Cannon and I laugh so hard.  You two will do anything to make each other laugh.  Cannon is constantly right in your face, squishing your little cheeks together yelling 'hi sister! hi sister! hi sisteeeerrrrr!'.  When you cry in the car (the only place you are reliably unhappy) Cannon tries to comfort you by telling you it's ok, that we're almost home... Then he yells at you to stop or he'll put you in time out.

Just recently Cannon has started to be more interested in what you are doing all of the time.  You like to play in the exersaucer where you can spin the little toys and jump all around, so he stands on its frame and talks to you as you bobble around.  You are taking about 30 ounces of formula a day and when Cannon is not busy with his own meal, he is asking to feed you yours.  When we grocery shop I put you in a little front pack (which you love) while Cannon sits in the cart so that he can talk face to face with you the whole time.  I am so happy to see the start of such a loving relationship between the two of you.  You share a nursery and every night after I put you down he asks to be carried from his crib over to look at you one more time before he goes to sleep.  He is already protecting you from other kids and making sure that someone is tending to you when you cry.

One of your many positive attributes is your crying.  You really only cry when there is a good reason and are easily calmed (none of this applies to car rides).  Most of the time when you are sad you stare at me through big crocodile tears in your eyes and loud screams with a smile still on your face.  Even your crying is happy.

I waited until you were 3.5 months to let you 'cry it out' at night.  Though you had been doing well with your sleeping, we went on a trip to Utah for a Murdock Family Reunion and it took over a month to recover our nights.  Even still, you just seemed so little and so sweet... letting such a good baby cry seemed like cruelty.  When I finally consented to letting you cry it took a good 7 minutes ONE time and you never woke up at night again.  Proof that you were really only waking up for a bottle to make me feel better.  Now that we are all sleeping better, life is so full!  We play all day going on walks, sun bathe at the beach, splash around in the water table in the backyard, take Cannon to the library, etc.  You are so fun and generally very accommodating of whatever we want to do...  Except eat.

It will be wonderful to be able to hand you your own bottle or set you in a high chair.  You have become keenly interested in anything that is set in front of you on the dining room table.  We have had many close calls with dishes being snagged and pulled almost to the floor as you try to get a closer glimpse of what all of the hassle is about.  When we try and put you in your swing so that we can eat with both hands you wail and wiggle until we let you join the family again.  You do NOT like to be left out.  We have also started strapping you in to your swing after you wiggled clear out of it last week and bonked your face on the hard wood floor.  My heart broke seeing your first real injury and now we are extra careful when we leave you places, always surrounding you with extra pillows when you are practicing sitting up or anything else wobbly. 


Elles, your sweet smile shines.  You are a joy of a child.  Thank you for bringing such a fullness to our lives.  Your daddy, Cannon and I love you so much.  You are a little angel baby.

Love You Forever,
Mommy

PS.  We just recently celebrated the life of your great grandmother, Bessie Westoby.  Luckily you got to meet her one time when we went to the family reunion in Utah.  She attended your blessing and you brought a smile to her face.  Your blessing was the last time she left the house other than for doctor's appointments.  She passed away on August 8.  She was a terrific lady that cared deeply for her family.

Dealing with a Modern Addiction

Drugs, Facebook, Downton Abbey... a person can be addicted to anything.  I am addicted to dieting.  Sure you can be told a million times that society feeds you crap on the 'shoulds' of what real women look like but the effects of these messages can creep into people's lives in very sneaky ways.  Keep in mind as you read this that I have pretty much always been in the 'normal' weight category.

When I was 11 I became a vegetarian.  My grandma was a vegetarian and lived a very vibrant and healthy life.  Every time I left her house I felt like I had been cleansed by all of the natural food she forced us all to eat and I wanted to feel like that all of the time.  My decision to become a vegetarian was made over night and I never faltered.  Though I had no clue as to how to eat properly without meat (read: several years of straight carbs) I felt better!  Shortly after this transformation I gave up chocolate, eating it only on my birthday each year.  I also started Weight Watchers for the first time (of 4).  Between the age of 11 and my current 27, I have participated in over 25 different diets or programs. Many of them more than once.

Taking a step back now I can see that at 11 years old (4th and 5th grade) I was 5'4" and weighed about 120lbs, maybe more.  I was bigger than most of my girl friends and virtually all of the surrounding prepubescent boys, making me incredibly self conscious.  Isn't Jr. High the best?!

Cutting out meat and chocolate made me feel like I had control and I saw a difference in the way I looked.  As the boys got taller, my height stayed put and I thinned out (due to incessant running and obsessively controlled eating).  People noticed and praised me on how good I was looking.  I also went through puberty, which both helped and hurt.  My diet during puberty was so nutritionally empty that I was not able to develop properly (personal opinion) and while I'm grateful to have a clean slate for a future boob-job, it would've been much cheaper just to eat some chicken and scratch the soy milk.

I started with Weight Watchers, making it a game to see if I could eat less than 10 points a day.  Atkins to prove that I could go high protein without eating meat.  HCG because more than 500 calories a day is for people without restraint. Total Health and Fitness because 'Hello!?  It's all about balance!'.  Low Carb.  High Fiber.  No Fat.  Only Greens.  Two a Day Workouts fueled by celery.  No Sweets.  Control Control CONTROL!  Sensing a pattern here??

It was after turning down an elegant meal made by my brother in law to commemorate the passing of his father that his wife pointed out a problem.  Of course I couldn't eat the meal because I was 'on a little plan' and what some call cheating, I saw as failure that I knew the scale would not forget.  She told me she had never been on a diet and was happy with herself.  I was confused.  Happy with herself?!  Not even Angelina Joalie is allowed to admit that she is happy with herself, let alone a normal sized, normal shaped young person.  No diet??  EVER??  REALITY CHECK #1.  My mind was blown.  I literally could not remember ever NOT being on a diet.  She asked me to stop.  To commit to figuring out how to live without the crutch of a 'plan'.  Again, confusion... 'does she mean I should just jump straight to my maintenance phase?'  **Note: I have never completed a maintenance phase without starting a new plan.**  In that moment I realized that I needed to stop.

But I didn't.

At the time my husband and I had been trying for about a year to get pregnant and I was beginning to loose hope that I would ever give birth.  I saw a specialist that basically told me to 'go eat a steak' before talking to him again.  I laughed at him and never went back.  Shortly after I had a remarkable (little too personal for blogging) experience that left me sure that I needed to add some protein back into my diet.  With a HUGE leap of faith, the addition of chicken to my diet, and the help of some modern day medicine, it took just one month for me to conceive. I was thrilled but a little disappointed because I had finally reached my goal weight for the... wait for it... FIRST TIME.  Don't be excited for me.  I dieted for 13 years STRAIGHT before actually reaching my 'goal weight' and when I got there, I changed it.  I only stopped this diet because my husband asked me to... because it was severely affecting my emotional well being, and therefore his sanity.  This request was REALITY CHECK #2. 

While pregnant I followed the diet outlined in What to Expect When You're Expecting.  My son came nine months later and then I was left to my own devices to figure out how to shed my extra pounds.   Despite my husband's request... more diets.  I got most of the weight off, then got pregnant again at a peak in my never-ending yo-yo.  I had Elle Louise four months ago and am currently on my way down again.  But something is different this time...  I have a girl now.

On a recent walk I passed by a woman around the age of 65 talking on her cell phone.  'Ya! I think it will be great!  The first three weeks are high protein, low carb, then a cleanse...'  Enter REALITY CHECK #3.  There are almost 40 years between this woman and I and we are both caught in the same trap.  What does she hope to gain from this new plan??  What have I ever gained from mine? Will I ever be... how did Savanna say it... happy with myself? AM I STILL GOING TO BE ON A DIET IN 40 YEARS!?

The answer is no.  I will not be on a diet in 40 years.

I won't say that I have washed myself clean and will never be tempted to go on another diet.  That is why there are 12 steps to AA right?  As the late Robin Williams said:
 “It’s (addiction) — not caused by anything, it’s just there,” he told ABC’s Diane Sawyer in 2011. “It waits. It lays in wait for the time when you think, ‘It’s fine now, I’m OK.’ Then, the next thing you know, it’s not OK. Then you realize, ‘Where am I? I didn’t realize I was in Cleveland.'” -Variety Magazine

While my addiction to dieting is not life threatening, it is real and I refuse to pass it on to my own daughter.  I want her to understand how to take care of her body, how to stay balanced, and just how beautiful she is.  I have recently been reading a book about balance and health being attained by merely 'paying attention'.  Rather than a diet, it is a mental training program designed to help readers get into good habits, enjoy eating and respect food.  I am currently on phase 3 of 4 and have never felt more in control, healthy, happy and GUILT FREE.  Instead of counting calories I have self-defined parameters like: sitting at the table to eat, paying attention to the textures and flavors in each bite, etc. (the book: French Women Don't Get Fat by Mireille Guiliano)

To someone that hasn't really talked with a dieter, this may sound silly.  I know first hand that it is not silly.  It is a gateway to eating disorders and is too scary to play with.  I am still a partial vegetarian and haven't had chocolate (except for my bday) in 14 years.  I am not ready to change those things.  Eventually I would like to let those crutches go.

One thing at a time.

If you are interested, here are a couple of articles about diet addiction:
Why Dieting Can Become Addictive
Are You Addicted to Dieting?
Are You Addicted to Food or Addicted to Dieting?

A Little Bit of Balance

These last few days I have been at parenthood without Michael as he attends the funeral of his sweet Grandma Bessie in Utah.  While I have missed seeing his handsome face every day I jokingly told him that the kids and I were on a 'Michael-cation'.  It's good for couples to have time apart sometimes.  To regroup.  And let absence work its magic ;-))  During this time I decided to step back and assess myself in hopes to try and make sense of some of the things I am doing routinely.  I took one whole night assessing my personal health: eating, exercise, mental health and formed a very simple plan to hopefully add some balance.  I took another night to look at my day to day routine with the kids and see what I could do to enhance our time together.  Another plan was formed.  Though I have only been paying heed to these regimens for three days now, I feel so much more balanced!  I have a daily routine to fall back on with the kids, with the idea that we can plan anything OVER the routine but if we don't, we always have something to do.  I also made one HUGE change in deciding that my work day is OVER at 7:30.  After 7:30 I will not be doing any house tending or home making.  I start putting the kids down at 7, do the dishes and pick up the house at 7:15 and am free to do whatever I want by 7:30.  This also means that nap time is not recreational.  It's Mommy chore time... unless I am crazy sleep deprived.  Then all bets are off. 

I am naturally a morning person so by the time my kids are in bed I am a walking zombie.  Doing chores during nap time doesn't phase me in the slightest if it means that I will have a whole night to myself to do whatever I want.  It also means that if the kids wake up before I'm done with my chores that I don't have to finish them after bed time... they can wait until tomorrow at nap time.  I cannot even tell you how wonderful this has been.  Leaving things half done normally KILLS me but knowing that I will have two hours of time to pick up where I left off the next day makes it so much easier to enjoy my kids without the pressure. 

We will see how things go once my one true love is back in town.  I think he will love this plan since he is normally trying with all of his might to get me to cool my jets after bed time.  I guess I just needed to make it work for me.  I love me some alone time.

Baby Elle is Three Months Old

elle louise, three months

Dear Elle,

These letters are normally full of specs and milestones but today I just can't stop thinking about how you have changed my life.  At no time have I ever felt more fulfilled.  Being a mother is an important calling, being YOUR mother is an absolute joy.  A new loved quote I ran across seems to dictate my feelings perfectly, "When I hear people talk about juggling, or the sacrifices they make for their children, I look at them like they're crazy, because 'sacrifice' infers that there was something better to do than being with your children." -Chris Rock

Elle, this month you did important things like: starting to laugh, rolling over (for real), reaching for things and 'screeching' like a pterodactyl.  You also moved into your real crib and now share a room with Cannon!  The thing I most want you to know about your life as a 3-month old, though, is that you are unconditionally loved.  There is nowhere I would rather be every day than with you and your brother.  You two are not a sacrifice for me, but my purpose.  You were born smiling and have a certain joy about you that cannot be matched.  I love you for you and will be continue to do so forever.  Thank you for coming to me.  I can't wait to see you in the morning.

Always,

Mommy